When you need him, he's always there!

Someone just had to point out to me that Esteban and Billy Jack look similar when in fact, probably any two people who favor dark clothing and bolero-style hats will probably look similar. Plus, I doubt Billy Jack would wear sunglasses, because the eyes are the window to the soul, and Billy Jack is a noble soul--while his caring heart is filled with longing for a racially-harmonious utopia, at the same time, a fire of vengeance burns inside him--the need to defend the weak against their oppressors, the need to defend Indian kids who only want a scoop of ice cream. And with Ray-Bans you lose the crucial upper part of every facial expression, and then all you're left with is Tom Laughlin looking kind of swank. Nevertheless, I will never be able to look at ass-kicking Native American martial artists or infomercial guitars the same way again.

It would be kinda cool if Esteban whacked out a mugger with one of his signature guitars, El Kabong style, though. Even with the mother-of-pearl inlay, he can replace that solid neck mother for only $129.95.

You ever think about what Moby would be like as a violent person?

Probably something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awVaHcTbAW8

Donuts, Vol. I

One of my constant sources of irritation is the amount of wannabe donut elitists who must constantly extol the values of Krispy Kreme and frown upon anyone thinking otherwise. This week a(nother) co-worker of mine jumped on the bandwagon. It's not so bad if you like something a bit more "exotic" in their eyes such as custard or jelly-filled or some wild franchise-custom flavor, but I'm often treated like a kook when I'm honest and candid in expressing my love for Entenmann's chocolate frosted donuts (just to clarify, not actual chocolate donuts, but the yellow cake-textured ones with the hard chocolate frosting coating). It's not that I dislike Krispy Kreme, but traditional glazed donuts are rather pedestrian and unspectacular for me; they're merely a sweeter version of those pastry things they serve at Chinese buffets. So, in tribute to that pastry of pastries, commentary on both the common types of donuts as well as some of the places that serve them. Like Nietzsche said, gaze too long into the void of a donut and the void gazes also into you, simultaneously raising your cholesterol and getting your hands greasy.

BY THE WAY I REMEMBER IN JUNIOR HIGH A DIFFERENT STUDENT WOULD BRING IN DONUTS DURING OUR HOMEROOM EACH WEEK. EVEN THOUGH I WAS UNIVERSALLY HATED PEOPLE ATE THE BOX OF DONUTS I BROUGHT, BUT NO ONE ATE THE DONUTS WHEN THE SCHOOL NERD (I'M TALKIN' TOTAL WHITE VERSION OF URKEL HERE) BROUGHT THEM AND HE GOT MAD AND PUBLICLY COMPLAINED. I WAS SO HAPPY PEOPLE ATE MY DONUTS BECAUSE IT MEANT MY PERSONAL HYGIENE WASN'T QUESTIONABLE.


The Plain Donut
Yep, plain--no glaze or coating whatsoever. I guess these are almost exclusively cake donuts?

Definitely not as plain and flavorless as the name might imply, but woe to those who forgot to bring along sufficient milk or coffee for dunking.


The Powdered Donut
They already have a strike against them, since one rarely sees these outside of prepackaged formats, whether as variety boxes or as miniatures in cellophane. In an odd way I guess they're superior to other more simplistic donuts since getting white shit all over your hands is somewhat more desirable than getting greasy fingers. I suppose it's a bit easier to clean off than say, the orange film inevitably left in the wake of cheese doodles. Depending on the situation and environment you're in at the time, though, it may be safer to pretend you've been doing lines of coke than admitting you ate a whole package of Donettes.


The Other-powdered-or-sprinkled-substance-on-it Donut
Usually it's cinammon, although coconut has also been known to surface. Cinammon. What's the point? Quit playing the variety-for-the-sake-of-variety game, asshole, and just eat a fucking cinnamon roll already.


The Glazed Donut
Again, these aren't necessarily bad, just common. Their major advantage is that they're very hard to mess up, even in a processed/prepackaged form. The only downside is that once you witness the coagulation of sexual fluids, you're very unlikely to view glazed donuts entirely the same ever again.


The Sprinkled Donut
Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a stereotypical white or pink frosted donut with multicolored sprinkles. I also know for a fact there are definitely some people out there who are clueless about "jimmies," so to avoid any unwanted sexual connotations we'll just keep it simple and stick to calling them sprinkles. I'm pretty sure I've had donuts adorned with some kind of sprinkles at some point and have just forgotten; that just goes to show how exciting and novel the experience is for me. In any case, cupcakes both need and deserve them more.


The Jelly-filled Donut
Conceptually this is a great idea but it almost always fails due to over- (too sweet/too messy) or under-filling (too doughy/dry). And who picks the goddamn flavors? It's always strawberry, cherry, or in rare cases something like boysenberry or apricot. How about grape or blueberry? It's truly pathetic that a donut fails where a Hostess Fruit Pie succeeds.


The Custard-filled Donut
A proper custard-filled donut is easily the pinnacle of filled dessert perfection. It is paramount that real custard is used as opposed to whipped cream or pudding; if you know of any bakeries who skimp on this point, Molotov cocktails may be useful in changing their policies. A layer of frosting (on the top of the donut only) should also be applied, preferably chocolate, although deviations such as maple or butterscotch may be acceptable. While over-filling the donut may detract from the aesthetics and ease of eating, it has no real bearing on the taste or quality. Properly done, a good custard-filled donut is often superior to other custard-filled desserts considered more gourmet, such as eclairs.


The Chocolate Frosted Donut
I don't think I've ever seen a donut totally encased in any kind of hard frosting flavor other than chocolate. Surely experimentation with other flavors has gone on somewhere, and when I think about it, a white yogurt-based coating like the one used for pretzels and raisins wouldn't be too bad. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a "fresh-baked" chocolate-frosted donut--all my experience has been with prepackaged brands. My favorite method for eating chocolate frosted donuts is snapping them in half, then dipping each half in milk until the inside of the donut is totally saturated. Since the frosting holds everything together even in milk, it's clearly an ideal food for dipping and dunking, giving it total donut superiority.

And now, a few words about places to get donuts. Keep in mind Winchell's doesn't exist around here, and I've never seen Tim Horton's outside of a branded Arby's breakfast menu.

Krispy Kreme
I've only actually been inside one once, so I wasn't even 100% they sold donuts other than plain glazed until I checked their website. What prevents me from trying their other flavors is a brutal Sisyphusesque cycle--I don't really eat donuts unless someone else is paying, and no one who shares Krispy Kremes with me ever seems to buy anything but the staple glazed. Thus, tragically, I can't accurately comment on their other donut varieties.

Mister Donut
This used to be my absolute favorite donut vendor as a kid, and as I recall, one of the only ones my family went to with any regularity. Alas, now Mister Donut only exists in Asia or as rumor has it, a few sparse stores in the US who kept going post-franchise disintegration. I haven't had one in over a decade, but since I wasn't averse to them as a kid, they pass as quality in my mind.
No doubt part of the reason I loved Mister Donut was the logo. At first glance, it's so avant garde, you really don't know what to make of it. Is the dot a head above waves, making it the logo of some pool cleaning or water softener company? THEN YOU REALIZE IT'S A MUSTACHE, AND SUDDENLY EVERYTHING IS CLEAR--IT'S A PERVERTED WINKING CHEF AKIN TO THE PRINGLES GUY.

Entenmann's
Before I even understood the concept of thrift store thanks to Hostess and Pepperidge Farm, my family went to the Entenmann's one. The most glorious thing about it was that there were only about two square feet in the entire store devoted to non-dessert items, so it was inevitably a sweets-stocking trip. Normally we'd get several varieties of donuts and cookies, a few of those cakes with the cool striated patterns, and some of those longbox danishes. As I said before, I really love their chocolate frosted donut, but there was also another flavor in the variety pack...I don't know what it was, but it had carbuncle-type nodules on top, which luckily wasn't a comparison I could make as a kid when I actually ate them.

As if all that wasn't good enough, getting a bounty of treats from a place filled with backlighted pictures of baked goods and shelves of those familiar white boxes...The cashier stations had those string-wrapping machines, and those absolutely enthralled me as a kid. Sadly, I have Entenmann's products pretty infrequently since around here they're relegated to a full-price table at the grocery.


Golden Corral
The star-shaped glazed donuts they serve on their weekend breakfast buffet (which I only make it to every couple of months) constitute the bulk of my adult donut intake. They're relatively similar to Krispy Kremes, although Krispy Kreme's glaze is usually more viscous and malleable--Golden Corral's donuts, even when fresh, have a glaze of a hardened, scab-like variety. Oh, and the shape doesn't make them any more novel or enjoyable to eat, though I guess it makes me feel a bit more self-conscious if the place is packed and I've stacked a plate full.

Dunkin' Donuts
Wow, haven't really had these for a while either, though I don't remember anything negative about them. The last time might have been a box of Munchkins someone brought in for Sunday School. I would probably support Dunkin' Donuts more if munchkins were used more often in porn as vaginal projectiles instead of tennis balls, and if they focused less on donut holes and coffee, which only have limited appeal to me. Fun trivia: I went to high school with an Arab/North African skater kid whose parents were the major franchisees in my hometown area. I don't want to cast false aspersions, but I sincerely hope they didn't approach business the same way they raised their kid.

White Castle
I've only been to White Castle twice as a kid, and both times were because it was well before the "open 24 hrs." craze hit and White Castle is cheaper than Steak'n'Shake. Don't worry, neither time did I order any sliders. One of those two times I had some donuts they had in a tupperware thing sitting on the front counter, and I recall they were pretty good.

I just have to mention that not everything, but a lot of White Castle's menu tastes like the fast food school cafeterias served. That isn't necessarily a slam, especially considering White Castle doesn't serve Johnny Marzetti. I used to have the same opinion of Dairy Queen's Brazier menu for a long time too, although that was mostly because of those generic red-stripey paper trays they'd serve fries and burgers in.

White House Donuts
This was an old local place in a strip mall I can't have been in more than twice as a young kid. Even though it was maybe 2-3 miles from my house, it closed early, so between school and sleeping in on the weekend, it was a match never meant to be. As I recall they had Norman Rockwell prints on the walls and a diner-style counter and stools. For some reason I still associate glazed chocolate donuts with them.

Anonymous Brand I Ate at Work
These came in a logo-less white top-opening box. Somebody thoughtfully left about half a box from an earlier shift on a table next to my workstation. Since I'm pretty much the only one in the department at night, I couldn't let them go to waste. I sneaked them all one at a time so I wouldn't be branded a glutton or just in case somebody came back to claim them (my prepared excuse: "The guys from shipping came by and took some.") Unfortunately a lot of what was left were jelly-filled, meaning I had to eat quickly in case the supervisor came by. Red shit all over your face can't be good for job security. All in all, considering I wolfed them down speedily, pretty good.

Don't be a handicapped spoilsport.

The physically-handicapped are one of those groups of people I honestly don't actively mock or really talk about unless I happen to see something funny or bizarre that directly correlates with one. I remember growing up listening to handicapped speakers at school convocations--looking back I wish I had taped all of my school convocation speakers, as they always said things that yield the kind of quotes that are perfect for looping and making ambient/techno music out of. From the requisite wheelchair-bound speakers, I particularly remember two. One was a street-smart negro who was part of a group with all sorts of various impairments/handicaps who spoke at my elementary school. The other members elicited either indifference or shocked pity from the kids, but I remember he was the "cool" one since he had one of those racy wheelchairs and played basketball. So of course, I hated him.

The other guy was a motivational speaker I saw in high school; I recall he looked like a wheelchair-bound Johnny Brennan (I couldn't find him online, but I recall he seemed to be pretty famous on the school speaking circuit...I believe he was quadriplegic, and possibly had played football). He was quite memorable for me because he was obviously experienced at talking to kids and at times spoke with overly-dramatic flair. I still vividly remember his recollection of a father crushing his own son in the gears of a bridge to save a passenger train, done with all the fervor of a great Shakespearian actor. Kinda cool. BUT NOT COOL ENOUGH WHERE HE GETS AN ENTIRE BLOG POST.

I was thinking, have you ever seen a physically-handicapped person enjoy Halloween? Somewhere in my mind there's some vague notion of a crip wearing a Halloween mask once upon a time, perhaps something I saw on TV. But that's about as enthusiastic as department store cashiers forced to wear festive buttons on major holidays. Big deal. I'm asking if you've ever seen a physically-handicapped person REALLY enjoy Halloween. With a little ingenuity, it would be great, I mean, just think about all those great wheelchair costumes out there. Professor X, Captain Pike from Star Trek...Hell, with some plywood or fiberglass, you could easily pull off Davros or a Dalek. But cripples are too lazy and pathetic to build futuristic wheelchairs or Dalek bodies. Come to think of it, being lazy isn't even an excuse...For Professor X all you'd really need is a bald cap; you could just pretend that his futuristic chair was destroyed during an attack by Magneto or something.

Not just Halloween, either...I'd go to Star Trek or comic conventions if there were Professor X or Captain Pike costumes. Think about how grand it would be to harass someone at a Star Trek convention who dressed like Captain Pike, with all the disfigured face makeup and the futurechair. You could assault them with a verbal barrage of questions, and if they get fed up and talk instead of replying with a system of blinking lights, then you mock them for being a poser and going out-of-character! I'm hardly into Star Trek past the animated series and even then on a limited basis, but if people with the guts to show up like that were there, I'd go to a convention! In fact, I'd go in costume as well, since the original series affords me an excuse to go out in public dressed in Nazi regalia.

Are there any other (in)famous cripples I'm forgetting that should be immortalized with imitative dress? Yeah, yeah, there's that dude from Family Guy, but anyone else?

Edit: I found a guy who built a replica of Captain Pike's chair and even used it in a rinky-dink parade, but he's not a cripple! BOO!

Why "The Gamesmaster" is an enjoyable G.I. Joe episode...

1. The main villain is a tantrum-throwing Orson Welles by way of Christopher Lowell.
2. Both Lady Jaye and the Baroness in states of undress/skimpy clothing.
3. Voyeuristic changing-room shots--possibly an '80s cartoon first!
4. Great dialogue! The Baroness,while being pinned in a bikini by Flint: "...you might double team me."
5. Preemptive use of a Megadeth album title.
6. The only episode to display Cobra Commander's vast confectionary knowledge.
7. Use of peppermint sticks as weapons.

FUN SITES FOR YOU! TELL YOUR PALS!

Occasionally I'll take a break from surfing natural birth websites for easy porn and tell you about some of my mostest favoritest but not-so-well-known sites on the web.

http://www.armorofgodpjs.com/

That shield is the perfect child-smothering device.

http://www.downsyndromedolls.com/

I actually wrote to this website several years ago asking if the Down Syndrome Friends were anatomically correct....

(I was about to write some more witty and hateful repartee, but it's all been lost to a fit of laughter...I had started writing about the site not expecting it to be updated...Chemo Friends? C'mon.)

I quote...."When trying to explain impending surgery to a young patient, and point to the exact location of the organs which need surgery, you look into the frightened and completely blank eyes of a child who does not understand the procedure. "

Completely blank eyes? SOUNDS LIKE THERE'S ALREADY BEEN A SURGICAL PROCEDURE, FRIEND. NAMELY, A LOBOTOMY.

PBS Kids shows, Vol. II

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Let's head to Kolob, baby.

One of my favorite YouTube videos ever:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zy0d1HbItOo

Some thoughts:

1. I need to incorporate the term "endless celestial sex" into every pickup line I use.
2. Race Bannon is the last of the Nephites.
3. Next time Mormon missionaries show up at my door, I'll actually answer and try to talk to them using nothing but thinly-veiled Battlestar Galactica plot devices.

PBS Kids shows, Vol. I

This will be a highly-informational series in which I briefly comment on children's programming on PBS, both past and present. I hope to eventually cover every national show they've had on. So without further ado...


Maya & Miguel


Token-Hispanic-show-in-the-name-of-diversity, thy name is crap. Remember a few years back that Edward James Olmos drama series that was going to catapult PBS to new heights of popularity and be a ratings pinnacle? Not only did that not happen, it was trumped tenfold by Antiques Roadshow! Uh, yeah. Anyway, there is such a thing as trying too hard. PBS could save a bundle on production costs by just getting a new Muppet with a stereotypical Mexican accent.


Caillou

Are they holding back on the announcement this kid has cancer? For some reason I'm drawn to watching Caillou because I find the younger female characters attractive....Wait, wait, not THAT young! Now you think I'm a pedophile after Clementine! So I mean, the older...Wait, no! I'm not turned on by Caillou's grandma. Damnit! I also find Caillou's mom strangely attractive when she wears that one-piece bathing suit with the belt thing around the middle.

Sagwa (The Chinese-Siamese Cat)

This show actually marked the beginning of the third time in my life I had great interest in PBS children's programming. The first was as a child when I actually enjoyed Sesame Street, Mister Rogers, The Electric Company, et al. The second was when I was a teenager; the reasoning behind this was twofold. Not only could I watch PBS cooking and kid's shows just to veg out, but I was also of an age where Reading Rainbow was very appealing for nostalgic reasons, and Mister Rogers was appealing for mockery. Anyway, I happened to see Sagwa on one day and just started watching it for the sake of curious amusement, but unfortunately the novelty has largely worn off.

I do like the fact that if we go by the show's character designs, Chinese magistrates look surprisingly similiar to morbidly-obese caucasians. If you stripped him of his Chinese regalia and put him in a cheap suit he'd look like a US pork-barrel politician. Oh yeah, there are cats that write, too. Some of them have weird decorations on 'em. Hooray.

Make Way for Noddy

No, not the earlier Noddy with the "Noddy shop" and Noah (was that for the US only?). I'll get to that later. Live-action host Naomi is quite hot in a Spice Girls sort of way. Talking from first-hand experience, it's extremely hard to write anything humorous about this show without making some cheap racial reference to Dinah Doll. But I'll refrain.

But my main gripe--what's with the narrator's lackadaisical attitude? What if it's not "a beautiful day in Toytown?" Perhaps on that very day, molestation accusations against Big Ears have surfaced due to Master Tubby Bear stumbling out of his home in a lethargic state with a big red shank around him. What happens if Mr. Plod is involved in a shoot-out with a notorious cop killer? Pray tell, what if Sly and Gobbo steal all the googleberries?

The Zula Patrol

Not even the voice of Cam Clarke can save this computer-animated travesty. Somehow I suspect he thought doing voice-overs for a PBS show would be a charitable action compared to his typical animation jobs, but what a horror he's participated in.

Seriously. This show is even worse than Kratt's Creatures/Zoboomafoo, something which a few years ago I would not have believed was possible. Comparatively, it makes Jakers! look like Reading Rainbow. Trust me, mere seconds after watching this, you realize Charlie Rose would be a more entertaining addition to the PBS Kids lineup.

Between the Lions

I'll probably comment more on this show later; I do think some parts are reasonably funny, but to be completely honest, I'd be very happy if PBS cancelled it and started running a 30-minute block of Gawain's Word.

I bet you thought Racer X was the womanizer...

Didn't you? What with that S&M-gimp-meets-Hanna-Barbera-villain mask and getup.