EWTN

Has anyone ever seen that show "My Little Angels" on EWTN? The one with the lumpy-looking puppets, horrible, out-of-sync voice acting, ridiculously inane and talentless songs (that aren't even amusing as the Gina D's Kid's Club ones)...You'd normally think it would fit right in the so-bad-it's-good category, but I don't know, something about those puppets is unnerving...Seriously, when I watch their mouth movements, I'm reminded of spinchter spasms. I feel like I'm viewing a talking anal passage. Instead of turning to Christ, I'm inclined to turn to Gerbert.

EWTN's children's programming has always been really crazy and lo-fi to me. I've noticed over the years that they hardly ever outsource and bring in more general evangelical programs...I'd say almost all of the programming is custom-made and tailored to Catholics. I mean, some of this stuff makes old Protestant kid's shows like Gospel Bill or Circle Square look like the products of multi-million dollar budgets. I suppose it is a step up from when their "kid's programming" mainly consisted of short historical snippets about the "Saint of the day" inbetween other shows.

I've known of ETWN's existence for a long while now--I did get it for a couple years before I moved up north, although I can't exactly remember when it first started showing in the area or exactly when I first started watching. I think we must have had TBN in the house in the early '80s since I remember seeing Superbook (from what I can remember, I didn't even have a clue that it was religious--to me the titular book was about as religious as Penny's computer book from Inspector Gadget). Most likely, in the mid-late '90s I was watching late night TV and stumbled across Mother Angelica with her puffy jowls and eyepatch, and got hooked on the absurdity.

Later, I actually started to watch the "In the Beginning" anime regularly, mostly because I'm a sucker for cartoons with catchy theme music. But recently, something happened which should make me have a personal vendetta against EWTN...I only opt to get the lower tier of channels, just around 30...EWTN used to be channel 50-something, and then one day, without warning, they usurped AZN, which I had watched religiously (har-har) ever since its metamorphosis from International Channel. Yet I watch EWTN more than ever before. Though I watch PBS more too. It's a testament to how awful modern TV programming has become.
Anyway, here are some short randomly thoughts about various EWTN shows. I may eventually expand this to one of my full regular review posts if I ever feel so inclined:

Image of God - Anyway, you get a matronly-type woman who favors overall-style denim dresses, and said woman and kids have unbelievably deep religious discussion. Best part is the intro, which you'll just have to see for yourself.

Hey Brother Leo!! - I think this is actually just a segment of Image of God, BUTWHOCARES? Okay, here's the premise. You've got a group of kids gathered around a monk who seems strangely dim-witted at times. He performs various simple science experiments (potato batteries et. al) or otherwise does something that's supposed to be a religious metaphor to help the kids understand Catholic concepts. Unfortunately, Brother Leo is the least articulate personality on EWTN. However, one thing I find hilarious is that the kids are just corraled in there to watch him and provide an audience; you can tell they all don't really want to be there and there's a certain sadness about them. Probably the best episode was when he (I'm not making this up) used a Tootsie Roll pop as a metaphor for the sin involved with abortion. In another segment/episode Leo was playing with a remote-controlled car, and it was obvious the kids wanted to play with it instead of being put in the awkward position of watching a guy in a robe play with it while explaining theology. Of course they can only huddle around him silently for fear of eternal damnation. There's occasionally food involved in the show, and Brother Leo will generally eat it--without offering any to the kids, who are all transfixed on it!

Web of Faith - Old-timey priest and pedophile-looking priest field questions.

Donut Repair Club - Fuck, I just remembered this was on EWTN. A show this great merits a full post sometime later.

French Guy Explaining the Crucifixion - I couldn't find the name of this show. Unless you've seen it, you cannot possibly understand the hilarity of a young monk trying to explain the tortures and tribulations of Christ in a French accent to a group of bewildered, silent kids.

Defending Life - Nerdy, greasy-looking priest tries to horrify you with the realities of abortion.

Angel Force - Just watch this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8-Kiz04U6E

I don't think it's on anymore, and it's been a while since I've seen it. I do remember the custom-printed shirts and the fact the main female character had a mustache were pretty enticing.

Knights of St. Michael - I think this is where the Angel Force girl went. Some teenagers try to feign enthusiasm about religion by again, wearing custom-printed jersies. During the typical show they may or may not attempt to wax theologically. The absolute best segment involves a little boy and a man acting the part of demons, and they talk about the plots they're going to use to corrupt the world. It would be a pretty cute idea except the only kids young enough to be enthralled by this low budget crap aren't likely to understand sarcasm.

Truth in the Heart - Even younger nuns are pretty homely looking.

Catholic Craft Corner - Yes, this really exists, I even taped a placemat-making episode as proof. Instead of bothering trying to summarize it, let me just point out that one episode involved building a manger diorama using a peanut with a face drawn on it as the baby Jesus.


Update! Unbeknownst to me, I guess Angel Force is still being aired, as I just saw some dance number where the kids undulated in a most ungodly fashion.

Oh, and the French guy who loves the vershen May-ree is Father Antoine.

Finally, I missed most of it, but Brother Leo had a Halloween segment in which he encouraged kids to dress up as saints and thus spread the gospel while trick or treating. Seriously! There was also a group of kids dressed up as typical monsters and worldly creatures(on his left, of course, the saintly kids were on his right), but unfortunately I missed most of whatever he said about them.