Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Don't be a handicapped spoilsport.


The physically-handicapped are one of those groups of people I honestly don't actively mock or really talk about unless I happen to see something funny or bizarre that directly correlates with one. I remember growing up listening to handicapped speakers at school convocations--looking back I wish I had taped all of my school convocation speakers, as they always said things that yield the kind of quotes that are perfect for looping and making ambient/techno music out of. From the requisite wheelchair-bound speakers, I particularly remember two. One was a street-smart negro who was part of a group with all sorts of various impairments/handicaps who spoke at my elementary school. The other members elicited either indifference or shocked pity from the kids, but I remember he was the "cool" one since he had one of those racy wheelchairs and played basketball. So of course, I hated him.

The other guy was a motivational speaker I saw in high school; I recall he looked like a wheelchair-bound Johnny Brennan (I couldn't find him online, but I recall he seemed to be pretty famous on the school speaking circuit...I believe he was quadriplegic, and possibly had played football). He was quite memorable for me because he was obviously experienced at talking to kids and at times spoke with overly-dramatic flair. I still vividly remember his recollection of a father crushing his own son in the gears of a bridge to save a passenger train, done with all the fervor of a great Shakespearian actor. Kinda cool. BUT NOT COOL ENOUGH WHERE HE GETS AN ENTIRE BLOG POST.

I was thinking, have you ever seen a physically-handicapped person enjoy Halloween? Somewhere in my mind there's some vague notion of a crip wearing a Halloween mask once upon a time, perhaps something I saw on TV. But that's about as enthusiastic as department store cashiers forced to wear festive buttons on major holidays. Big deal. I'm asking if you've ever seen a physically-handicapped person REALLY enjoy Halloween. With a little ingenuity, it would be great, I mean, just think about all those great wheelchair costumes out there. Professor X, Captain Pike from Star Trek...Hell, with some plywood or fiberglass, you could easily pull off Davros or a Dalek. But cripples are too lazy and pathetic to build futuristic wheelchairs or Dalek bodies. Come to think of it, being lazy isn't even an excuse...For Professor X all you'd really need is a bald cap; you could just pretend that his futuristic chair was destroyed during an attack by Magneto or something.

Not just Halloween, either...I'd go to Star Trek or comic conventions if there were Professor X or Captain Pike costumes. Think about how grand it would be to harass someone at a Star Trek convention who dressed like Captain Pike, with all the disfigured face makeup and the futurechair. You could assault them with a verbal barrage of questions, and if they get fed up and talk instead of replying with a system of blinking lights, then you mock them for being a poser and going out-of-character! I'm hardly into Star Trek past the animated series and even then on a limited basis, but if people with the guts to show up like that were there, I'd go to a convention! In fact, I'd go in costume as well, since the original series affords me an excuse to go out in public dressed in Nazi regalia.

Are there any other (in)famous cripples I'm forgetting that should be immortalized with imitative dress? Yeah, yeah, there's that dude from Family Guy, but anyone else?

Edit: I found a guy who built a replica of Captain Pike's chair and even used it in a rinky-dink parade, but he's not a cripple! BOO!

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